final cut

Varun was here today, drunk and hence having more inclinations to intimacy. He says lets go out and roam!!! Why cant he see that I aint comfy around him anymore?
While he was here, trying to be happily drunk, thoughts kept flashing in my mind.
Should I just tell the chap to forget me as a friend? What does he see in me anyway?! He is one messed up guy... on the one hand, he is so desperate for affection and intimacy, and on the other, off he goes, judging everyone and everything! (through his bhootaddam :D)

I used to think that being alone, without friends is a saad state of affairs. Now I am not too sure. Somehow, I am only comfortable when alone. The mood is usually gray when alone, but its better than that feeling of uneasiness. So am i better off alone?

This 'I-am-better-off-alone' philosophy does have issues...
1)I dont wanna die alone - thats so pathetic! (Imagine the whole death-bed setup, with nothing to look behind at, that could bring a smile to your face)
2)I still subscribe to the "How-many-lives-have-I-TOUCHED-while-on-earth" kinda philosophy, and being altruistic doesnt quite gel with being a loner. (why does the word 'altruist' suddenly have so much negative baggage?!) I think I can imagine how perfectly hypocritic it would all be, trying to hand out happiness without being happy for them! All that I can apparently manage is a neutral reaction to everyone. Cant feel others' emotions. Neither their pain nor their happiness.
Its all so...disconnected. Yeaa I should do such-and-such so that so-and-so will be so gladdened. But the feeling is just that - rational and cold.

Now for the arguments and counter-arguments :D
Perhaps I may be able to feel more if my life and world werent to be so faraway and distant. But ahh I remember: the 'feelings' are only temporarily heightened with physical proximity.

Or is all this 'alone' shit just happening because i am being awful at communication?
But no, even if i manage to communicate, the empathy hardly lasts.

Perhaps its just a reflection on the company I have had recently. Indeed there are a few people I would love to spend more time with; people whom I can almost reach out to...
Ahh they are so far away! :D How do you connect with people anyway? I used to think i was good at making friends, but i dont think i am!

Heck do i sound like i am filling out a psychiatrist's clinic form!!
Pink Floyd is awesome when it suits the mood. I wrote that, and then the next thing i played was The End. Its THE best song ever! KICKASS. Doesnt need mood to be listened to! And so much tension in it...