it starts

a thought entered my head the other day, while i was looking into the mirror.
just look at me, i thought, looking totally wrecked. havent shaved in maybe 15 days, screwed up my hair, havent brushed daily...
the brushing part especially got my attention...i just dint want to brush!
then i realised that somewhere inside, i wanted to get this way.
reminded me of Jim Morrison, the original Lizard King.

only, while the doors singer was looking to shake free from his image, my own condition is part confusion, part self-loathing, and indeed, partly a deliberate attempt at moving away from conventionality.

have been quite blue lately, but if it helps me figure out something, i will be glad.
i just get these flashes now, wanting to ditch this lifestyle and do whatever i wanna do, instead of following the script. why does anyone else have to define my idea of happiness? i suppose i can get bold enough to ditch everything and explore my world first. if i need to claw my way back, i will do that.
atleast i would have the satisfaction of trying...

what i do need, before all these wanderings, are thoughts, ideas. my thoughts dont match upto scratch so far, so i need to work on that.

also, there is this traitor-ish part deeper which sees this excursion as nothing more than an adventure which will only help me in differentiating from the crowd. damn.

all images of unconventionaldom are assosiated with travel, the himalayas, the andes. is my silly mind so impressionable that these wanderings are so cruelly inspired *directly* by two movies??
the question arises: what, if not a normal life?



leaving that aside for the time being, why this phase at all? the answer is 'failure'
i havent been living upto my own standards, i suppose i am not the man i want to position myself as (smart manager etc). why could i not catch up with that interview? i have to face up to it...my mind played tricks on me there...where was my will-power back then?
how do i cope with being anything less than my own image? mediocrity is not fitting into my system. it is civil war within myself...i do nothing to change myself, and everything to further war
why am i built like this anyway? why that inertia to send that darned mail to my future employer? if it is laziness, i would hate it, but it is not. i cannot put my finger on it darn

[OT] ahh...a trip to the terrace and the mind is clear now. i should do this more regularly! that inertia yet not laziness issue upset me, and i almost went off to sleep. but somehow i went to the terrace and my thoughts cleared up...it was only when i return that i realise that i have my answer! lateral stuff at its best!

i have had this streak of harming my own interests. phases of abject listlessness have been there, but a bigger thing above these. while at the terrace, i was exposed to my mind not wanting to finish my degree on time! just like that, i wanted to screw myself. thought about it for a moment and dint see much sense there even unconventionally. thank god i am aware of this now - will consciously talk myself out of this scheme.
noticed this self-contorsion back when dealing with that livestrong foundation too

***i got to be aware of my own inner workings!